The Dating Guide for Married Men is meant to be a non-judgmental and admittedly fun look at the obstacles facing married men who choose to date rather than end what once may have been a very loving relationship. While the material is broken down into the same basic categories characteristic of all good journalism; namely who, what, where, when, why and how, the principles presented here should be viewed as a whole. No one category ranks as more important than another. For example, knowing where to find a lovely lady willing to date a married man serves no purpose without understanding how to attract said lady or knowing what to do with her once she is found.
Think of dating as a married man as a taco. The taco may look good, it might smell even better, and you are almost certainly ravenous, but if you’ve never eaten a taco before, you may be at a loss as to where to begin without dumping the whole damn thing down the front of your shirt. And let me tell you, taco stains don’t come out of a polyester cotton blend any easier than recovering from an affair gone bad.
To help you along your way, meet Albert. Albert is a forty-seven year old male. He has been married since his tentacles dropped. His wife is Edna. They have two-point-five children, a dog, three cats, and a home that is practically paid off. And, yes, it is hard to parent a half child, but somehow, they manage.
Edna was a petite Barbie doll type when they married. She smiled at Albert a lot and was generally eager to please him. They had sex frequently, and sometimes, Edna would even allow him to orally satisfy her. Once, on June 30, 1992, she even returned the favor. To date, he remembers it fondly. With the edition of each additional family member, Edna smiled at Albert less and begged off with exhaustion, a headache, or PMS more often than she favored him with late night, under-the-covers action. The birth of the half child was the final straw. Since then, Albert has been lucky to see the inside of their bedroom, and Edna’s Barbie doll looks have sagged into something much more reminiscent of Granny Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies, only not as attractive.
Albert is a devout Christian who doesn’t believe in divorce, particularly when there are children in the home. On top of those strong beliefs, he knows without a doubt that to leave Edna would mean to lose his home, most of his friends, and to shame his family who love Edna more than they do him. She would take at least half of his retirement and the kids would take the rest through child support payments and college fees. He would never see his vacation home again, and the court would force him to sell his bass boat, his Napoleon Rogue 425 grill with 625-square inches of grill space and four burners, and his classic candy apple red ’65 GTO. That would never do. He finally has his butt crease in the GTO just the way he wants it. He also has no interest in learning to cook or do his own laundry, especially at his age.
Albert is a good man. He pays his taxes. He gives his wife and children anything they want. He showers at least daily and says his prayers. He supports all the local sports teams and gives to charity. All he wants is to feel like a man again. Albert wants to feel the way he did when he was a teenager and Edna smiled at him all the time. He wants to use his penis for something other than pissing while it still works without the assistance of a little blue pill. And he wants this without giving up his life as it is now.